


Beyond the Veil, Once More

by siriuslymoony



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 01:18:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14249943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siriuslymoony/pseuds/siriuslymoony
Summary: They say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. But perhaps it isn't just your own death that can trigger a flood of memories.Beyond the Veil, retold from Remus's point of view.





	Beyond the Veil, Once More

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 35 and 36 of OotP. Because it is a retelling, some of the dialogue is taken directly from the book and belongs to JK.

And then, Dumbledore arrived. Lucius Malfoy took one look at him and disapparated, leaving Remus in the middle of the floor with his arm raised to a nonexistent opponent. He lowered his wand and watched, one by one, as the death eaters took notice of the new arrival and each attempted to flee. The old headmaster stopped them easily, looking tired but focused, and soon they were all tied up in the middle of the room. Amidst the sudden quiet, Remus’s eyes scanned the room and eventually fell upon the only two people still dueling: Sirius Black and Bellatrix Lestrange. Both of them held such a demanding presence in the room that even the great headmaster looked uncommonly small. The air around the pair seemed ablaze with energy, the sound of their curses ringing out into the room like the snapping of a whip. For a split second, Remus could see the family resemblance terrifyingly clearly. They had the same, wild, jet black hair, and the same belligerent laugh, though Bellatrix’s was much more malicious.

Perhaps Azkaban had cut and whittled them to be even more similar, though Remus knew this was not a thought he could ever voice to him. And although Sirius looked relatively healthy now, Remus had the image of him—ribs poking through his shirt and eyes wild with terror—seared into his brain from the countless nightmares he’d had after that night in the shack. Bellatrix looked like this now, reminding Remus once again of how he had not been able to save Sirius all those years ago. He felt a familiar twist in his chest.

The werewolf knew Sirius’s taste for adventure was going to get him into trouble some day—real trouble that he wouldn’t be able to prank or charm his way out of. But Dumbledore was here now, and Bellatrix would, at the very least, recognize the importance of the newcomer. Remus began to slowly make his way towards Sirius, preparing to stop him from going too far. Meanwhile, the jets of light leaving the death eater’s wand changed from green to red as she switched to stunning spells. Remus was not worried; the weapon she brandished was not even lethal anymore. Sirius easily dodged a shot, then laughed that short, bark-like laugh.  
“Come on, you can do better than that!” The quiet room magnified his voice and echoed shrilly. Bellatrix grinned, her yellowing teeth peeking out from between her thin lips, but her eyes were fierce and angry. She violently hurled another spell at Sirius, and this time, the jet of red light struck his chest, fragmenting into the mist.

Remus froze.

Sirius met his eyes.

They clung to each other, neither able to move. The world around him stopped and an ear splitting silence cut through his head like a scream. Then, Sirius’s eyes turned glassy and Remus knew he was gone even before he began to fall. He felt his chest constrict and gasped, when all of a sudden, he heard a laugh. A warm, hearty laugh that sent shivers down his spine. It was his favorite laugh in the world, the one Sirius saved just for him. It filled him up to the brim and he watched, unmoving, as his friend disappeared behind the veil.

His feet moved toward the vanishing figure automatically. He could follow him. He could see him again, hear him, _feel_ him. All he had to do was walk through the arch. There was no one left on this side who needed him. Sirius was the last person he had been holding on for, and now he was gone, just like James, and Lily, and Peter. Just like his parents. Each of them taking a piece out of his support system one by one as they passed on, leaving him alone on this side of the veil. He could feel his mind crumbling around him. Ten years of friendship, five years of something more—something wonderful and full of love—swept away by the fluttering of a curtain.

 _No._ His mind choked. _It wasn’t true._

Because Sirius had been sent to Azkaban, locked away for nearly thirteen years while Remus could do nothing. Transformations were dealt with alone, unaided by wolfsbane for a werewolf who was too poor to even afford meals sometimes, let alone expensive potion ingredients. Visions of abusive parents and betrayed friends plagued an innocent man, who was really just a boy, day and night because he couldn’t tell the difference between nightmares and reality anymore. Because both of them suffered, knowing too well that suffering separately was the worst part.

And two years ago—by some _miracle_ —the two lonely souls had been given a second chance. The promise of the rest of their lives together. And now here Sirius was, being ripped away from him all over again. _It wasn’t fair._ Remus felt himself stumble forward. He never thought he would be capable of having a normal relationship like his friends and classmates; society had proven him right time and time again. But Sirius had given him something better than he could have ever hoped for. He had given him strength, and hope, and so, so much love. More than he knew what to do with. He wanted to grow old with him and fall more in love with him than he ever thought was humanly possible.

He wanted more time.

They had lost twelve years, and instead of a lifetime, he was offered two measly years of awkwardness, catching up, short bursts of passion, and tiny drops of hope, all ending with this. For the second time in his life, Remus had to say goodbye to Sirius without the chance to do it properly. Death was a much kinder option than betrayal; he knew this. Still, in his heart, it felt a thousand times more painful this time.

Remus had blocked out Bellatrix’s triumphant screams, but someone else was yelling now. His brain registered its importance and he looked up.  
“SIRIUS! SIRIUS!”

Harry.

Harry was still here. Harry needed him. Remus felt himself staggering towards the boy, the last piece of hope. He seemed to be heading for the veil, for Sirius, but Remus knew he was gone. Just before he could reach the dias, he grabbed him around the chest and pulled him back. He was fighting hard, but Remus just squeezed his eyes shut.  
“There’s nothing you can do, Harry—” The words poured out of him automatically.  
“Get him, save him!” Harry struggled against him with all his might.  
He couldn’t save him. He hadn’t been able to then, and he couldn’t now. “He’s only just gone through!” Harry kicked his shin hard, but there were already tears in Remus’s eyes.  
“It’s too late Harry—” his voice was surprisingly steady.  
“We can still reach him—” The tears wouldn’t fall no matter how rapidly he blinked.  
“There’s nothing you can do, Harry,” _there’s nothing_ I _can do_ , “… nothing… he’s gone.” Harry elbowed him forcefully in the side, still flailing, but Remus welcomed the pain.  
“He hasn’t gone!” Harry continued to yell, “SIRIUS! SIRIUS!”

_Sirius._

“ _Sirius!” The honey haired Gryffindor grinned against the other boy’s lips as they pressed insistently to his. “Sirius, there are people around!”_  
_“So?” The dark haired one jutted his chin. “Do you care?” He never gave him a chance to answer. One mischievous smile, then his lips were trailing down the column of his throat. No, Remus didn’t care. He closed his eyes, and the next time he uttered Sirius’s name, it came out as a contented sigh._

The only real shot at love Remus had ever had. Probably the only one he would ever get. Beginning when he was only sixteen, it had been five years of pure bliss, full of little moments of perfection, early morning hot chocolates, sneaky shags in broom cupboards, falling asleep together by the fire. But all of it was done and over.

“He can’t come back, Harry.” A tear rolled down his cheek. Then another. And another. “He can’t come back, because he’s d—”  
“HE IS NOT DEAD!” Harry screamed. Remus’s heart cracked in two and he gasped for air. “SIRIUS!” He began pulling Harry away from the arch. “SIRIUS! SIRIUS!” Kingsley had stepped in to fight Bellatrix, their spells being deflected dangerously close to Harry. Harry, who was slowly losing strength, and did not fight him any longer.

Neville was nearing them now, but Harry’s eyes were still fixed on the arch. Remus dropped his arms from around the boy’s chest and retained only a hand around his arm. Neville was speaking to Harry, but Remus’s eyes were fixed on the arch. Something brought him back to reality.

“Here,” he said, raising his wand. “Finite.” Neville’s legs stopped dancing around, and as Remus looked at him, he saw Frank and Alice Longbottom. Two more infinitely brave people lost to the war. He turned his head back towards the arch. Death really was a kind option… considering the alternative. The veil was fluttering now, teasing him. _There wouldn’t be a body to bury…_ His nails gritted into his palm.

Something in his chest was aching now, and for some reason there was a memory clouding his thoughts, blocking everything else out.

_It was dark and stiflingly hot, the way only a British summer could be, and Remus had just gotten back from a week of living with werewolves in the east. He was tired, dirty, and his stomach felt hollow with hunger. It was close to midnight when he finally reached their flat, and he didn't have any idea whether Sirius was home or anywhere else in the world. He slumped into the kitchen, dropping his bags on the floor, but stopped when he saw a steaming cup of tea on the counter. He hadn't told Sirius he was coming home tonight. Remus reached, with trembling fingers towards the mug. _He must do this every night_ , he thought, _hoping to Merlin I was coming home safe and alive_. Remus felt a surge of emotion that washed away all of the doubt and hopelessness he had been feeling while away. He stripped off his coat and strode over the the bedroom, suppressing the urge to cry. It was pitch black but he knew this room better than anywhere else in the world. He collapsed into the bed._

_“M’ny?” A warm hand found his and slipped through his fingers._  
_“I love you,” Remus whispered hoarsely. “I love you so, so much.” Sirius pressed his lips to his hand._  
_“I'm glad you're home.” They were safe again, at least for the time being. As long as they were together._

Remus could stay in that memory forever, all he had to do was follow Sirius through the veil, and all of it would finally be over… the fear, the pain, the loneliness, more than anything. His world was spinning. He was alone. Finally, for real this time. Why shouldn’t he follow Sirius? They’d promised to be there for each other forever, after all. It was the thought that he had clung to on all those full moons when he’d felt so incredibly alone. He could do it. He could leave this world forever.

A sob gently pulled him back to reality. No, he could never do such a thing to Harry. The only person he could still try to save.  
“Let’s— let’s find the others,” he said, finally tearing his eyes away from the arch. If Remus couldn’t hold on for himself, he’d hold on for Sirius. Sirius, who would have been _furious_ if he had followed him, and Remus couldn't bare to disappoint the one person who had been able to love him even when he couldn’t love himself.

He couldn’t let him down.

Not again. Not this time.


End file.
